my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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