make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I have surprise drugs for everyone
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
