I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
