Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
