Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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