at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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