If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
