I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
