Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
