Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
