I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
