Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There are leaves in my underwear?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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