I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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