my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
