ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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