I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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