I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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