I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
