flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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