I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
