If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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