My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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