My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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