How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
