She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
