Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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