Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
