I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
