Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
