i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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