I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
