It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
