is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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