Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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