Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
