I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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