so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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