Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
