Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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