dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
