oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
