I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
