Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
