So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
