i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
