Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
