I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
