Moan for me like Helen Keller
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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