Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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