I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
